I am yours…
INTRODUCTION:
I am reading again! About “spiritual” things! To note: Moby Dick is one of the most spiritual works on the planet to me, so take heed. It took two years, two rabbits, one dog, about 63 fishsticks doused in ketchup, and the radio. It also took a whole lot of understanding members of humanity. For the record, I hate humanity. But I digress…
My life process has brought me to a place of “letting go” – of MANY things – AGAIN. Seasons of Loss (or anything) do not end in a day. So… I have come to a place where I can start to accept what is and stop trying to push the tide back into the ocean. Ugh. It is so much easier to push the tide back into the ocean than it is to accept fuckeduppedness and do the dance of self-introspection and change.
I fear that some of my casual contacts (whether heartfelt or simply in passing) are being misconstrued as attempts to “fit” into an old constrained suit (with blond highlights, manicured nails and tasteful shoes) or as a “want” to return to something that… well… has proven to be more toxic for me and their Kingdom than full of the guidance and nurturance that they advertise. New wine/old bottles as it were: to use the lingo of the biz.
I have a “secular” recovery group that is more spiritual than more than half the individuals I have met who are “praying for me” or are “concerned” about me. I have been intimately engaged with Atheists who act and are more “Christlike.” It seems to me there is a lesson there besides: “Hell is full of nice people.” Does this mean the proverbial “Paradise” is full of Assholes? If this world is any indication, all I can say is that it is going to be one long eternity.
Bumper Sticker: HEAVEN IS FULL OF ASSHOLES
Why yes, this IS all about me. Sort of. It’s my blog for fux sake. Enjoy my psychosis and have fun figuring out which character you may play in this delusional game I call MY LIFE. And yes, I am also confident that there is someone, somewhere… who actually may want to read my seemingly trite words because they know they are filled with accusations and gossip about people they know.
My adventures take me to a new playground with new potential playmates. AGAIN. I am not playing in the sand box this time, however. Animals use it as their litter box. Lesson learned.
In this process of newness (AGAIN), however… there is a process of mourning and letting go. I must accept that I am in love with an illusion of what I THOUGHT was – but that vision isn’t the reality of WHAT WAS (or what I had hoped would be). Follow me so far?
I was in spiritual relationship that was an illusion. Wow… this sounds all so evangelical. And spiritualized. But indulge me… it gets nastier.
CHAPTER ONE: YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE
Even if I don’t know who I am.
Maybe it was spiritual fornication. Was there a “relationship”? Perhaps I am disappointed due to the lack of reach arounds and Vaseline. I would be lying if I didn’t confess its euphoric effect though. Perhaps I am the big disappointment.
I don’t suppose someone in authority seeing me/my actions as “off” is actually me reacting to being able to see things as they are and therefore not fitting in with the status quo of the place. Hey, it’s a thought, as clinically narcissistic as it may be. And God knows the message I have gotten is that if you don’t fit in, then you are the one with the issue. At least I know I’m nuts.
Personally, I find everyone is OFF in their own brand of dysfunction. I also KNOW that there are a lot of folks who refuse to take that thing out of their own eye to look at themselves. Ok, seriously, how many of you are pointing at me right now? HAHAHAHA! I kill me.
The world is full of pots and kettles. Pia Melody once wrote (to the effect of): in a room of 3000 individuals, the two co dependents WILL find each other. Who gets to decide in a room of 3000 people which ones are (euphemistically) blind? The figure-head, of course… with his/her own history and active illness? Wow. This will create a room full of 3000 (euphemistically) blind people… HAHAHAHAHHA! How scary is that??? And if I am one of the (euphemistically) blind… how will I know???? And so it goes…
CHAPTER 2: IN THE LAND OF THE BLIND, THE ONE EYED MAN IS KING
Maybe the Bible should have told us to pull the mote out of BOTH eyes. But alas, in the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king. The proverbial organized “they” don’t offer help because “they” can’t even help “them”selves. But I digress…
I hate constantly going over my fuck ups. I am glad God loves me as I am. I am glad the Goddess embraces me even though I do not often embrace back. I am glad that I will forever be the Holy child’s playmate. . . as simple-minded as I am. Well – that’s MY fucked up concept of GOD, anyway. Sweet Jesus – either the cross worked or it didn’t.
I thought the above was the point of recovery, restoration and Spirituality and I ridiculously thought was the work of the church. In my Spiritual Kingdom, everyone gets free Jolly Ranchers whether or not they are actively rowing the boat or simply observing the boat being rowed. There are plenty of Jolly Ranchers for everyone. Plus… not everyone likes or NEEDS Jolly Ranchers anyhow.
CHAPTER THREE: INTO THE GLOM
When one’s spiritual life and career and personal/social life are all glommed together and something goes asunder (whether from one’s own actions or from the world’s) – holy crap. What an experience. It is book worthy. Perhaps it is even Television Mini Series for the Oxygen Channel worthy. God knows: it is ego-centric blog worthy.
Ironically, I think some people might be careful not to rock that boat because of the GLOM factor. I was. Maybe I’m the only one. So much went unspoken and unexpressed in that life. I should have known then that the environment was toxic for me. We are only as sick as our secrets. I’m a sick puppy. In THE GLOM, where can I turn for help when everyone else is GLOMMED? I couldn’t do it myself. I still can’t.
God (as I understand Him) did for me what no one else could do for me, including myself: got me the hell out of Dodge.
Two years later…
CHAPTER FOUR: THE PATH OF LOVE
That brings me to this past week when I read an article about “The Path of Love.” I love reading things such as this with my tainted view of life and bitter approach. It makes for great comedy. It is like watching the Big Butter Jesus statue burn to the ground: You know you probably shouldn’t laugh – but it is not only just plain FUNNY but also SO POETIC that you do.
That thing was made of Styrofoam covered in fiber glass. To think that Flaming Jesus probably poisoned everyone in a 10 mile radius as he burned to the ground is awe inspiring.
Anyway, The Path of Love was an interesting contemplation. It is a passionate path of devotion. It reflects true submission to God without the Glom and toxic fumes.
“The reality of love is not the same thing as the words chosen to express that reality.” When I first read this line I thought, “What the hell does THAT mean?” Then, I got it. This sentiment, I believe, is true in many circumstances. The full true meaning of the words of love is open only to those who have had direct experience of it. Again, one of those truths that resonate of any circumstance or situation or experience… or…. I believe even true love is victim to our filters, though. That is why there are a jabillion religions and denominations within the religions. I wonder if humanity is even capable of seeing the TRUTH. I believe it is revealed to us little by little and we only see what we are ready to see. It is like our Spiritual eyes are adjusting to the light.
So to “Love others as you love yourself” means a heck of a lot more than the words. What happens when you do not know how to love yourself AND are unaware of being unhealthy in such a manner? I want a bumper sticker that reads: Walk the walk and just shut the hell up.
CHAPTER FIVE: BEWITCHED AND
All I know is that somewhere in the stretch of infinities I stand here in this present moment – completely bewildered.
I am still in repose about God. I still contemplate the existence (or lack thereof) of God. I still believe and I still have unbelief. I am still. I contemplate the intimacies between the Divine and myself… I was taught “HE” loves me and truly sees me and wants to be intimate with me… yet he is expansive and big and awesome and frightening… so very very big… so immensely huge… that He is found in a whisper.
The reading states: The love of God is real, the love of all other creatures metaphorical. What’s a META for? “Humans as manifestations of the Divine, though not in the sense of incarnations, but Divine manifestations in the natural realm: a rose could be a reminder of Divine Glory, the beauty mark on a beloved’s face a reminder of Divine Unity.” Isn’t God revealed in vulgar humanity? Aren’t our couplings a metaphor for Divine Unity? Love is Love. Love is God. He is REAL LOVE. Our love for our beloved and our lover is a mirror of God’s love for us. Even our homosexual beloved lover, I would imagine. Love is Love, Love is God, after all. Vulgar. Vulgar. Vulgar.
I think I have always been able to see the Divine inside humanity: connecting the path of God, from God, to God, and even in God. It is so much more than simply the journey from here to hereafter (if there IS a hereafter). And yet, I still hate humanity. We are the best (if you follow that doctrine) and the worst (if you have a foot in reality) of His creation.
The search, however, is found neither in this world, nor even in Paradise. “The path of the seeker is inside his/her own self.” One must search inside one’s own self. Dear GOD – what a frightening place. Which brings us back to the whole ONE EYED KING MOTE issue.
CHAPTER SIXSIXSIX: THEORETICAL INTELLECT AND BURNING IN HELL
We are supposed to value true spiritual experience over theoretical knowledge. It is ultimately the Divine/personal (D/p – not to be confused with B/d) experience that will lead me down the path, NOT intellectual / theoretical knowledge. However, in order to transcend theoretical knowledge, one must master theoretical knowledge. Hello?
I ran across this statement in this little journey:
Satan is the perfect lover of God; his “True Infidelity” is superior to “metaphorical submission.”
I think I just heard the buttholes of 3000 people tighten up.
But seriously, submission has been a concern for others… about me. They have let me know all about it as I am a REBEL. That is like saying someone is a Liberal at a GOP convention. I was told it is acceptable to be the “right” kind of rebel – which translates into the kind of rebel THEY believe, is the RIGHT kind of rebel. Am I saying I am the right kind of rebel? No. I don’t know if I AM truly a rebel or just curious and want some answers. Jesus was a rebel – and he hates religion. Proverbs 17 and all…
Submission. If any submission I have is substandard to Satan’s rebellion, does that mean my rebellion far more evil than Satan’s? I can see why people have been concerned… I can also see how that would scare a congregation into not questioning A SINGLE THING. I personally believe that a person’s submission SHOULD NOT MEAN A PERSON’S ABUSE. Submission is NOT another term for DOORMAT or SLAVE or someone’s BITCH. And how the hell does one SEEK if they don’t question???
Prov 14:15 The simpleton believes every word he hears, but the prudent man looks and considers well where he is going.
We are taught to abandon religiosity. Ironically, those caught in religiosity do not see it but can certainly point to others who are in the trap. What a conundrum. In recovery, it is called THE PERPETRATOR’S KINGDOM. Isn’t that funny? If people DO abandon religiosity, however… there is freedom. There is too much freedom to maintain the machine. There always has to be religiosity within organized religion in order to hold the house of fun together.
“If any path brings humanity to the Divine, then that path is “Submission.” Likewise, a path that does not bring enlightenment is worse than infidelity in the sight of God. The seeker is concerned with the One who instituted the path, not the path itself.”
Not the path. NOT the path.
It is a battle to find balance, isn’t it?
I will incinerate this creed and religion, and burn it.
Then I will put your love in its place.
How long must I hide
this love in my heart?
What the traveler seeks
is not the religion
and not the creed:
Only You.
CHAPTER SEVEN: MIRROR MIRROR AND MORE RAMBLINGS FROM A WICKED QUEEN
Each of us is a mirror in which others contemplate themselves. Well… that is as it was set to be. Then we have the revolution of transcending the conventional master-disciple hierarchies; Jesus becomes the servant. Teacher/Student – First/Last – We become ___________. Boy is THAT a slippery slope.
I have also seen that it is a slope that MANY people love to indulge in terms of taking the power and reveling on a pedestal. Pedestals always fall. I prefer to just stay out of the way when it all comes tumbling down.
Many folks approach the Divine through the path of their folks and their folks ad infinitum, not one that they have realized for themselves. This leads to “ways of error (that one’s forefathers have always followed)” of labeling error as “right.” How do we transcend the conventions and norms in which they were steeped, to obtain a personal realization of God?
“The people of the world have contented themselves with worship of habits — others have so many veils before them that prevent them from comprehending: blind imitationism, bigoted partisanship, haughtiness, conceit, and pride.”
Wow. This sounds familiar.
Those who have fanatically attached themselves to their own experiences, their own communities/churches, and their own fixed and limited articulations of The Truth have limited God to their own intellectual conceptions. God is back in the box.
So many times you set out on that road to that house;
Just once… come to the roof of this house.
CHAPTER EIGHT: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON ANYWAYS?
Joshua 5:13
Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, “Are you for us or for our enemies?”"Neither,” he replied, “but as commander of the army of the LORD I have now come.”
A great man was once asked: which path are you on?” He said: “I am on God’s path.”
He didn’t bring a new religion, but a fresh, dynamic, and ever transforming understanding of people and the world around them, and the Divine based primarily on love; The Spirit of the Law. Our religion is better than yours. Our denomination is better than yours. Our church is better than yours… “Blind imitationism, bigoted partisanship, haughtiness, conceit, and pride.”
“Love is a sweetness, but its inner reality is bewilderment.” Shit. More bewilderment.
“Ideas of love are like virgins, and the hand of words cannot reach the hem of their skirt.” Here I thought we touched the hem because the head was doing more important things. Only God is worthy. You people are supposed to be a metaphor!!! I believe I am a bewildered apostrophe. I am definitely not a virgin.
Ideas of Love are like Virgins… how many Virgins wait for Muslims in Heaven? Something is starting to make sense about that whole concept. “Ideal Love” is considered “Virgin Love.” Layla and Qays = perfect example of the metaphor. It is rather like the church is the Bride… and the Groom is coming for us. Hm.
Rather than “binding” ourselves to a certain fixed understanding of God, shouldn’t our approach should be one of “perpetual transformation”? As we grow and evolve, should not our understanding also grow and EVOLVE?
“Humanity’s response to God’s love can be nothing but love itself. Separation is duality of love and union is oneness.”
Each beloved’s eye is blind to her own beauty. None can perceive her own beauty, “except in the mirror of the lover’s love.”
“lord-servant relationships are converted to a highly nuanced dance of reciprocity: for all of the charming claims to self-sufficiency and coquetry, the beloved needs the lover.”
That, I do.
The beauty of the beloved in herself is not the same as the beauty she has when a lover treats her as beautiful.
CHAPTER WHATEVER: GOD’S CREATION
For the Divine to assume attributes of Mercy and Compassion there has to be someone or something to receive the mercy.
I was a Hidden Treasure,
and loved to be known intimately,
so I created the Heavens and the Earth,
so that they may come to intimately know Me.
The very purpose of creation is for the Divine to manifest Himself in utter fullness, and for the creation to come into that intimate relationship of knowledge and adoration with the Divine.
He made me to love Him.
Imagine seeking God for His own sake, beyond the wish to attain to the joys of paradise and avoiding the torments of hell-fire:
She was looking to quench the fires of hell with the water, and to burn down paradise, so that people would have no reason left to worship God other than God Himself. (imagine there’s no heaven – no hell below us)
I’ve never much believed in Hell of Heaven…
ALL PATHS
Truth must be identified with God’s own Being, and not with any intellectual conception of God or path leading to God.
Truth is not to be equated with any religious tradition or path, but rather with Him who is the Destination of the path. Indeed, given that Truth is one of the most common Divine Names, to label a religious tradition as “Truth” is to commit the great sin of “Association-ism.”
“O friend! If you would see what the Christians see in Jesus, you too would become a Christian!”
The paths are all waystations on the road to God.
SYMBOLISM: Waystations on a path were where a caravan would find shelter in the desert. The important point about a station is that one would not wish to remain at one indefinitely, but to “move on to the final Destination, which may be described as the Presence of God.”
God tells us:
My heart can take on any form.
My creed is love;
wherever its caravan turns along the way,
that is my belief, my faith.
Is God is a “Christian”?
The spiritual seeker has to search after God not in paradise, not in the world, and not in the Hereafter. He has to stop seeking God in everything that he has seen and everything that he has known: the path of the seeker is inside one’s own self.
I was,
even before the Names came to be.
no hint was there that anything with a name
existed.
I was.
PRE ETERNITY – POST ETERNITY
Somewhere in the stretch of infinities we stand in this present moment, bewildered by the effusion of Divine Love that makes breath possible, intellect a tool, Scripture a love-letter, and
Love; the greatest of God’s mysteries.
Spitting out the vitriol I pop a cherry Jolly Rancher to soothe the taste. Somewhere along the keyboard – I realize:
I am the beloved.
And nothing else matters.
